just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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