so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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