I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
