just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
