Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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