i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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