took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
