the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
