that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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