I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
