hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
