What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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