Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
