also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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