I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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