he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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