His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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