All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
