I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
