found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and she was petting her beer can
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
