community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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