I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
