you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
