It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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