Apparently you make a good broom.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
