your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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