I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
