Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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