I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
