We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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