The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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