I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
