I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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