So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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