i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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