You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
