I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
