Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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