I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
