Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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