So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
