The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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