there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
