apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
