it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
