and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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