My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you will always have a special place in my vag
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
