At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
