He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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