remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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