I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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