he shaved USA in his pubs
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
